Decisions.

It's been a difficult week.  Month.  It's been a difficult month.  Or was it a difficult year?  Or two?  Or maybe a lot more.  *sigh*  The past month, however, everything has sort of come to a head and I've had to make some very difficult decisions, due to the health problems I have been experiencing.  After much deliberation (and many, many tears) with the support of my family, I will be taking some time off from teaching to focus all of my attention on getting well, so I can be the mom my kids deserve to have.  I know, it doesn't seem like it should have been a hard decision, but it, really, really was.  

I'm not going to spend a lot of time here cataloging symptoms.  I am not self-diagnosing, or looking for any suggestions about what might be going on in my body.  Sure, I have some ideas.  Yes, I am seeing a doctor.  In the meantime, I am focusing on healthy eating/lifestyle choices and trying hard to recover from the effects of the positively horrendous virus that set this latest descent into health hell in motion.  

What I want to talk about here are priorities.  I have felt sick for years, maybe even decades.  All this time, I have been treating symptoms and pushing myself to go to school, go to work…  You know, "get 're done," "the show must go on!" and all similar catch phrases that might apply to my situation.  Then, I would drag my sorry bones home and collapse, too worn out and miserable to do the housework, play with the children, hang out with my husband.  I spent years throwing what little bit of energy I had into doing the work I love, and that I truly do believe is important, even today.  What I didn't realize until recently was that, by the end of the day, there wasn't a lot of me left for the people who are most important in my life.  

People who know me might say, "What do you mean?  You're always cooking, making things, doing projects with the kids…"  It's true.  I do a lot of that.  But I do it like it's a chore.  My heart (and sometimes even my brain) isn't in it.  That's not right.  If I can work with my students enthusiastically ~ exuberantly, even ~ I ought to be able to manage at least that at home.  More and more, as the years go by, I hear myself saying, "Not now."  "Mama is too tired."  "Mama's sick."  "I just need to lie down."  

It's true.  I wake up tired, even after a good night's sleep.  I am just exhausted from constantly feeling ill.  My resources are completely are depleted, and I feel run down, used up, spent.  Recently, it has occurred to me that, if my reserves are so limited, I ought to be channeling every tiny bit of energy and joy and ability I have toward my family and my home.  Then, if there's anything left, other people can have it.  Shane and the kids come first.  

With that revelation, I find I have a renewed determination to discover, once and for all, what is going on in my body.  I truly believe there is an explanation, and that, armed with knowledge, I can work to improve the situation.  If we know what beast we're fighting, we'll know where to strike.  I have to find an answer, because the kids deserve a mom who has the energy to be a mom.  

So, that's my plan.  

BTW, I do not want to host a pity party.  If you want to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we sure won't mind, but please don't focus too much on my illness.  It has been the focus for far too long.  I have decided to focus, instead, on my health.  If you want to send thoughts our way, let them be thoughts of joy and prosperity, adventure and success in life.  The rest will all fall into place.