Saturday, September 22, 2012

Decisions.


It's been a difficult week.  Month.  It's been a difficult month.  Or was it a difficult year?  Or two?  Or maybe a lot more.  *sigh*  The past month, however, everything has sort of come to a head and I've had to make some very difficult decisions, due to the health problems I have been experiencing.  After much deliberation (and many, many tears) with the support of my family, I will be taking some time off from teaching to focus all of my attention on getting well, so I can be the mom my kids deserve to have.  I know, it doesn't seem like it should have been a hard decision, but it, really, really was.  

I'm not going to spend a lot of time here cataloging symptoms.  I am not self-diagnosing, or looking for any suggestions about what might be going on in my body.  Sure, I have some ideas.  Yes, I am seeing a doctor.  In the meantime, I am focusing on healthy eating/lifestyle choices and trying hard to recover from the effects of the positively horrendous virus that set this latest descent into health hell in motion.  

What I want to talk about here are priorities.  I have felt sick for years, maybe even decades.  All this time, I have been treating symptoms and pushing myself to go to school, go to work…  You know, "get 're done," "the show must go on!" and all similar catch phrases that might apply to my situation.  Then, I would drag my sorry bones home and collapse, too worn out and miserable to do the housework, play with the children, hang out with my husband.  I spent years throwing what little bit of energy I had into doing the work I love, and that I truly do believe is important, even today.  What I didn't realize until recently was that, by the end of the day, there wasn't a lot of me left for the people who are most important in my life.  

People who know me might say, "What do you mean?  You're always cooking, making things, doing projects with the kids…"  It's true.  I do a lot of that.  But I do it like it's a chore.  My heart (and sometimes even my brain) isn't in it.  That's not right.  If I can work with my students enthusiastically ~ exuberantly, even ~ I ought to be able to manage at least that at home.  More and more, as the years go by, I hear myself saying, "Not now."  "Mama is too tired."  "Mama's sick."  "I just need to lie down."  

It's true.  I wake up tired, even after a good night's sleep.  I am just exhausted from constantly feeling ill.  My resources are completely are depleted, and I feel run down, used up, spent.  Recently, it has occurred to me that, if my reserves are so limited, I ought to be channeling every tiny bit of energy and joy and ability I have toward my family and my home.  Then, if there's anything left, other people can have it.  Shane and the kids come first.  

With that revelation, I find I have a renewed determination to discover, once and for all, what is going on in my body.  I truly believe there is an explanation, and that, armed with knowledge, I can work to improve the situation.  If we know what beast we're fighting, we'll know where to strike.  I have to find an answer, because the kids deserve a mom who has the energy to be a mom.  

So, that's my plan.  

BTW, I do not want to host a pity party.  If you want to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we sure won't mind, but please don't focus too much on my illness.  It has been the focus for far too long.  I have decided to focus, instead, on my health.  If you want to send thoughts our way, let them be thoughts of joy and prosperity, adventure and success in life.  The rest will all fall into place.  

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sparkle Dress

Recently, I made this dress, and it is one of my favourite projects ever.  It turned out exactly as I planned.  I love that it looks polished and elegant, but was an absolute breeze to make and is just dreamy to wear ~ light, comfortable, not the least bit fussy.  I feel like I am wearing and nightgown, but I look ready for a night on the town.  What more could I want from a dress?


Thanx to Pinterest, some months ago, I fell in love with THIS TUTORIAL

It looked simple (a major bonus, because I have limited skills and, thus, work best on simple projects), and I love the design.  It looks so breezy and easy-to-wear, yet totally stylish and unique, too. Since I first saw it, I have thought I would love to use this design to make a dress.  It seemed to me that, if I just made the panels longer, it should work beautifully.  All I needed was the perfect fabric.

I bounded off excitedly in the direction of my local fabric shop in search of the perfect material for my lovely new dress.  Unfortunately, it just wasn't there.  So, for months, as I was shopping for other projects, I kept this one in the back of my mind.  I decided not to push it.  This dress had to be  the perfect balance of style, grace, elegance and comfort.  When the perfect fabric found me, I would know it.

One day recently, I met a couple of friends at the fabric store, thinking we were just there to shop for them.  It just so happened that I once again came across what I thought might be the most beautiful fabric I had ever seen.  It was a very lightweight knit, with cascades of sparkles (tiny silver dots, hearts and stars) cast in diagonal lines across it.  I had seen it once before, but thought maybe it was a bit too expensive.  However, on this particular day, it was 30% off; and it was just so pretty.  It was still not exactly cheap, but, because I have been frugal, used coupons, waited for sales and shopped from the remnant bins as much as possible, I decided I could afford to splurge a little for a very special dress.

I held the fabric in front of myself, with the selvages at the sides, at just about the position I guessed would be appropriate for the top edge of the dress, and let it fall the the floor.  I wanted a long dress.  Adding a couple of inches to allow for the casing, I settled on this length (no, I did not measure) for the cut.

When I got it home, following the instructions in the tutorial, I held the fabric up across my torso and added a couple of inches, to figure out how wide I would need it to be.  I decided to be generous with this measurement, because I wanted my dress to be very floaty.  The measurement I came up with was about 24 inches for each panel.

First, I folded my fabric with the right sides together, matching the selvage edges and pinning them together.


I measured in 24" from the selvage edge and, using my rotary cutter, cut all the way down the length of the fabric 24" from the selvage edge.



  This left me with two long, 24" wide panels, which I pinned together along the newly-cut edge.  I set aside the remaining piece of fabric, which was just as long as this one and still folded, for later use.

I took the panels over to my machine and stitched up both sides, starting about 5" formt he top and ending about 5" from the bottom.  I did this to form the opening for the arms at the top and a vent on each side at the bottom.  I wanted vents (or slits) on the sides, so I wouldn't have to worry about ripping my dress if I decided to run after a taxi or dance like a fool.  I do that sometimes.
(Please note:  Next time I will make that 6 inches, as I had to rip stitches later to make it fit correctly under my arms.  I was going to tell you I started 6" from the top, but I didn't this time, so I will tell it like it is.  I am not sure how to suggest you measure this.  I did it by trial and error.  If you want to avoid ripping stitching, you can try pinning it and checking the fit, but remember that you will be turning down the top egde to form the casing, so you have to keep that in mind when you try it on.  Alternately, you could very loosely baste your dress, try it, and then sew it properly when you have gotten the fit perfect.)

Next, I hemmed the edges of the armholes and side vents by folding the fabric back along the edge, pinning and then stitching it.


The pic is blurry, but, basically, what you want to do is sew along one edge of the pinned opening, pivot, sewing back and forth across the top (or bottom, in the case of the armholes) of the opening, pivot again, and sew down the other side of the opening.  I hope that makes sense.  Up one side, across, down the other side.  Got it?

Now, it was time to create the casing for the shoulder straps.  I wanted a nice wide casing, so I could use a variety of straps, so I folded down the top edge about 2 inches and pinned it in place.  I did this on both the back and the front of the dress, then stitched close to the edge along the bottom of each casing.

Remember that folded piece of fabric I set aside way back when I cut the two panels for the front and back of my dress?  That's going to be my strap.  Leaving it folded (right sides together), I cut all along the length of the fabric, about 2" from the folded edge.  I pinned and sewed all along the cut edge, leaving the short ends open.

This next part is difficult to explain, but stick with me.  Hopefully, the pictures will help.  I attached a safety pin to one of the open ends.

I pushed the safety pin inside the tube I had created and, pushing it through the tube to the other side, turned the strap right side out.  (See the penguin bandaid?  Heed this advice: respect the rotary cutter.)



I don't have a picture of this, but, once it was right side out,  I folded in the raw edges and sewed shut the ends of the strap.

The part's hard to explain, too, but I will try.  I fastened a safety pin to one end of the strap and fed it  through one casing, then through the other.  (The tutorial I referenced earlier explains this process much more clearly.  It's really and excellent tutorial for a great little project.)

Oh my gosh!  It was starting to look like a dress!

That was it!  I was ready to try on my dress.  The first time I tried it on, I used the self strap at the shoulder, as shown above, and a cute chain link belt I found online at Jewel Mint (it has a cute I.D. bracelet and padlock detail, which I adore) at the waist.  My original plan was to use the chain for the straps and the strap I made as a belt, and I have to say, I do like it that way best (see the very first pic in this post).  It's nice to have options, however, so I think I will play around with it.  I think a wide, sheer silvery gray ribbon would make a cute strap, too.

Justice took these pictures of me outside right after I made it:



On a super-hot day, I can wear it unbelted as a cool and comfy sheath.





Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Check's in the Mail

Today, I made the very last payment ever on our Bank of America credit card.  We banked with them in Arizona, and, for years, I had a credit card with them, through my college.  When we moved from Arizona to California in 1998, my parents sent us some money to help with our expenses.  The bank "lost" that money.  Initially, they told us the check had not cleared in time to be included when we closed our account, but that they would keep the account open just long enough for the check to clear, then close the account, and mail us a check.  They told us they would mail the check, but never did.

Fast forward a few years.  Shane has just wrapped up a project, and we are on our  way to Amsterdam, to spend 10 glorious days with our little family, before the girls and I return to school and Shane stays on to work there.  As the time for our departure approaches, the producer of the aforementioned project has failed to produce a check, but assures us it will be deposited to our account the day after we leave.  We should go, and have a wonderful time!  We do!  Such a wonderful time.  It is probably the best trip our family has ever taken together, despite the fact that the apartment we had rented has been demolished...and that the check (not surprisingly) never comes through.

It's funny, I guess, that it surprised us.  We are (still) very trusting people.  If you tell us the check is in the mail, we believe you.  Well...sorta.

The year we went to Amsterdam was, as the book says, the best of times and the worst of times.  We did tons of traveling ~ Amsterdam, San Francisco, Northern California, Las Vegas, Arizona...!  There were also some deaths in our families, and some trips that weren't all fun and games.

That check that never came through was worth somewhere in the neighbourhood of $26,000.  Sometimes, people wonder why we don't own a house yet, considering that Shane has a good, decent'paying job.  Well, here's the thing:

When you don't have much in savings, and you have to take a couple of unscheduled trips for, say, funerals, and people in the family are ill, and then someone defaults on a $26,000 contract,  it is very easy to find yourself deep in debt.  I'll admit, we made some poor decisions when we were young newly(and, for that first year, not-quite)weds.  The same kind of poor decisions virtually everyone makes, I'll wager (I won't really wager ~ we don't play with our money like that), but I think we had recovered nicely from them, and were right on track.  It was that $26,000 ~ the lack of that $26,000, all at once, that is ~ that sealed our financial fate.

We were in debt.

Thank God we had those credit cards when we needed them.  Otherwise, I don't know how we would have fed our children, paid for gas to get to and from work and school, paid the bills...we tried to use credit only when we absolutely had to, but there were times when it probably literally saved our lives.

Now, I am not advocating wanton credit card use.  That's not what I came here to say.  What I came here to say was this:

We learned a lot that year.  We learned the importance of being true to our word and making good on our debts, because we saw firsthand how deeply debt can affect someone.  We learned to make do with just the necessities.  We learned that family is more important than just about anything else.  We learned not to spend money before we have it in our hand. And, perhaps most importantly, we learned to take the phrase, "The check's in the mail" with a grain of salt.

So, it meant a lot to me, today, when I got to make that final payment.  It is a relief to know that we will no longer be paying out that $140 each month.  While we are not entirely debt-free yet, we are much closer, and having that extra money each month will surely help us get there.  It is a great relief to know we no longer have that debt hanging over us, especially to Bank of America, with whom we did not have a very amicable relationship.

Most importantly for me, however, it felt good to know that, when I say, "The check's in the mail," I mean it.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Wants vs. Knees

It's been over a year since I suffered a Type 3 Tear of the Medial Meniscus, and months (sorry, don't know how many) since discovering that I was also the proud possessor of an old partial tear of the ACL that had not healed well.  I am pleased to report that, most days, the knee feels so good that I hardly ever think about it.

I hardly ever think about the pain, that is.  The knee, I think about.  I have to, so I won't do anything stupid and screw it up again.  I guess it's a good sign that I don't think about it.  I mean, lack of pian is awesome, right?  In all honesty, I feel pretty normal most of the time.

There is, however, one caveat to the lack of constant pain.  Who would've thought I'd be saying a thing like that?  Strange as it may seem, it's true.  Without that niggling little pain (or, you know, that overwhelming humongous pain), I forget important things.  Things like my PT exercises.  I am still at the point where missing a day of PT sets me back by a week, but I feel so good some days that I forget to do my exercises.  Of course, I remember the next day, but then I'm fighting to get back to where I already was, which is frustrating.   Things like the fact that I just am not a runner anymore.  One recent morning, I awoke to a glorious, bright, golden sunrise, and immediately thought, "What a great day for a run!"  I was all ready to lace up my shoes and go when I realized, "Oh, crud.  I'm not supposed to run."

I can't help but wonder how this will be as more time passes.  My original injury (the torn ACL, which was misdiagnosed and mistreated, as it turns out) reared it's ugly head when I was in college.  I did some PT, and, for a few years, I was pretty good about keeping up with my exercises and taking care of my knee.  Then, eventually, it felt so good ~ so normal ~ that I just stopped thinking about it.  When I stopped thinking about it, I stopped taking care of it.  I am told that is probably what brought me to last Summer's festival of fun (a.k.a. torn meniscus, which, by the way, is not fun).

I guess I am going to have to devise some plan to remind myself not to get over-confident and think I can go back to all my old tricks.  I'm very forgetful, so I need a plan.  It's important to admit to myself, too, that I am not merely forgetful.  The truth is, I want to run.  I'm like a junkie.  I wake up in the morning craving a run.  I catch myself researching running shoes and local runs, before I remind myself that those are off the table for good.  What's the runner's equivalent to methadone?  Is there some sort of program for this?

I'm trying bicycling.  I think that's my methadone.  I tried walking, but it was about as effective as, say, a band-aid on major head trauma.  Like when somebody tells a smoker to just chew gum, instead.  I spent mornings walking around all jittery and out of sorts, thinking, "Are you freaking kidding me?!?!!" Biking is good.  I get the knee (and the ankle, which we're not talking about, because I am still pissed off at it) moving, and I feel the wind in my face and watch the scenery whip by at a rate similar to that of running.  I never ran very fast or very far, so I don't have to bike very fast or very far, either.  so far, I think it's working.  In fact, now that I am talking about it, I want to go get out the bike and go for a quick ride.

So.  That's where I am right now with all of this.  I WANT to run.  I want to move furniture, turn cartwheels, goof off with the kids and do my old cheerleading moves, just to make them giggle.  But I NEED to be able to walk when I'm old.  I need to be able to do my day-to-day activities, like walking to and from the laundry room, grocery shopping...   Woo-hoo.  It's a party.  I need to avoid making things worse and ending up needing surgery that we can't afford, and that will leave me exactly where I am right now.  I need to be responsible.  But I still want to run.