Walk it out

Got up before the kids, put on my sweats and sneakers and went for a long walk.

*sigh*

It was not at all like going for a run.  And now my ankle hurts.  Damnit.

However, I hear walking, biking and swimming are the way to go for me, so I'll keep working on it.  Perhaps, in time, it will grow on me.

I enjoy swimming, but it is not very convenient, since I have three kids and don't own a pool.  Swimming involves a trip to the Y, which shouldn't be so hard, but it seems like every single time I plan to do it, something comes up.  I keep saying I will take the kids with me, so they can swim, too.  We haven't made it to the pool together even once this Summer.  I guess I have to try harder in that department.

Biking is good, and it is easy to take a kid or two along, but, this morning, I didn't want to wake everyone with the noisy garage door, so I opted for a walk.  In my running shoes.

Maybe that was the problem,  Maybe, if I didn't get ready for my walk thinking, "Damn, I can't run anymore," I would feel better about it.  I don't know.  But I do know that my running shoes are comfy and good for my feet ~ and I spent a pretty penny on them, so I ought to use them for something.  Just gonna have to get over myself and move on, I guess.

It's hard.  Who would've thought it would be so hard?  I just started running again a couple of years ago.  It's not like I was a lifelong runner.  I mean, I had run throughout my life, starting in high school, but there was a very long hiatus after the kids were born.  It just...I like it.  It made me feel like me again.  And now... Well, it may sound silly, but I feel a little lost without it.  Unfocussed.

I really have nothing to grouse about.  I spent much of the past year walking with a cane and anticipating knee surgery.  Now, I have found that I do not, in fact need surgery.  With lots of hard work, I have gone from walking with a cane and/or brace and not being able to take a flight up steps to being able to do pretty much everything I used to do.

Pretty much.  Or so I'm told.

I can't turn cartwheels or move furniture.  I have to be careful not to get to close to the mosh pit when at go to shows.  Even cooler (read: totally NOT cool) ~ I have to wear my brace, if I want to dance...and I can't stomp or jump, which is hard to remember when you're at a show and the music is loud and people all around you are jumping and stomping and dancing any old way they want.  Oh, and I can't run.

There's a lot I can do:  I can walk, ride a bike or swim.  I can dance, carefully, with my brace on, as long as I don't twist at the knee.  Recently, I was able to sit cross-legged on the floor for the first time in over a year.  And I can...um...knit...and make jam.  Not exactly the active lifestyle I was used to.

And that's just it.  When my doctor told me that I could do everything I used to, except run, jump, turn cartwheels, move furniture, lift heavy things...what he didn't understand was that THOSE WERE ALL THE THINGS I DO.

The hardest thing about my walk this morning was that it was slow.  I just don't like to move slow.  I wasn't built for slow.  I have no patience, I get easily bored, I tend to be jumpy...  A slow stroll is not my speed.  However, I am not up to speed walking, so slow stroll it is.  I can't help wondering what's wrong with me.  I ought to enjoy the fresh air, the sounds of nature, the nods and smiles form my neighbours.  Instead, I feel trapped.  I want to go, go, go!  I want to run, to hear the rhythmic tet-tet-tet of rubber soles on the street, to sweat, to feel the wind in my face and just fly!  I was never very fast ~ really, there wasn't a lot of flying ~ but there is just nothing like running.  Walking, especially, is nothing like running.

I remember how much I used to love walking when Justice was a baby.  She'd ride in her little stroller, and I would take long walks.  They were meditative, centering.  I've tried to approach walking from that angle again, and it just isn't working.  I think it's because, now, I feel like my whole life has slowed to a meditative pace.  I suppose that could be seen as positive, but I don't think I was ready to go there yet.  It's disconcerting.  I used to need that break from the hustle and bustle, whereas now all I want is a little hustle.

Nevertheless, I will keep trying.  I'll keep walking, and biking, and trying to get to the Y to swim (it will be easier when kids start school next week, I'm sure).  The fact is I have to keep moving, if I want to keep moving, if you know what I mean.  I think I might take up new hobby or two ~ something to engage my mind more, so I feel busier.  I'll take my iPod next time I walk.  Maybe that will help.

In the end, I have always felt like things pretty much always are the way they are supposed to be.  Life is just a matter of figuring out how to live and thrive and be happy when things change, which they do ` constantly.  I'll manage.  What I'm going through right now is just like getting a cramp when you're running.  I'll walk it out, and then I'll be able to get on with my life without running.  Eventually.